The Lit Marriage: Doom in the Bedroom

Ways to maintain sex and intimacy after kids

So you spent all this time trying to avoid or achieve getting pregnant and then BOOM! You have a positive pregnancy test. Nine months fly by and then the stork delivers to you the biggest but cutest cxck blocker known to mankind…kids.

For some women, sex and intimacy goes out of the window with sleep, free time and peeing in peace when they have a baby and others it gets better. I have been asked a lot about this topic because everyone assumes that since we have a large family that we have this amazing sex life. Well, I am going to be real with y’all about it, it is pretty damn legit but requires a little more creativity and compromising. I have experienced some of the common issues with intimacy after babies (such as low self esteem due to the changes your body undergoes during pregnancy), but I was able to quickly resolve those issues. The biggest thing is being very realistic about things. Yes, kids change a lot of factors in regards to your life as a whole, and one of those things is sex. When you are married or in a relationship, pregnancy and beyond can impact your sex life greatly. It is something that happens but the initial approach to it will make a huge difference in it being positive or negative.

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Yes, you will hate your postpartum body…I don’t know too many people who are absolutely in love with it. I mean if you like the idea of your tummy looking like you are still expecting or like a smashed brain once it finally deflates then my friend you rock. For this mama, the postpartum stage is filled with lots of OMG look at my body, this is going to take forever to fix etc. For me this goes away within the first 6 weeks. Then you have to deal with all of the hormones being out of whack, adjusting to a new baby and his or her schedule, and juggling all other aspects of your life including your significant other. And then there is daddy….He may or may not be sensitive to this delicate time, but for them sleep deprivation or being well rested, 6 weeks seems like an eternity. Doctors recommend that you wait the full 6 weeks for them to give you the okay to make sexy time. Now, a few factors goes into this. The biggest one is how your delivery went. C-section, natural, being torn from the roota to the toota (front to back), stitches, you name it. I approach it as the same way I do exercise. When I am feeling up to it, start slow and work my way back up. Contrary to the popular judgemental belief, not everyone waits the six weeks to have sex. I haven’t each time, but that is me. I don’t recommend telling people what to do with their boom boom rooms, but that is between you, your significant other and your doctor.

Honestly, sex got better after having kids….

I am going to explain why it did. When you are actually trying for a baby, it is the most fraustrating shxt ever. It is time consuming tracking cycles, crying over negative tests, taking your temps etc; and although they say don’t stress and have fun, you usually stress and it becomes a chore. You are so focused on the window of opportunity that you forget the other reasons why you are making sexy time. Once that ship has sailed, it goes back to the old times where sex is recreational and fun.

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Now don’t get me wrong, you still have to have a strictly business approach because when you have kids, making sexy time is like race against time. How much time do you have before the dinosaur chicken nuggets are done and everyone is distracted watching a kiddie movie or show to get it in? Is this a long nap or short nap? I can go on and on. My beau said I got sexier to him when I had his kids. I feel the same way about him. When he became a father, his sexy meter went up. It was a new sense of him being a super provider and protector that sent my hormones in overdrive. Our bond is so much closer since we became parents. Not to mention I melt when I see him just being a dad. Playing with the kids etc, it makes me happy. They say happy wife happy life.

Things that put doom in the bedroom

Being bogged down with routines: Instead of you two being available to each others needs, you neglect each other for the needs of the child. Yes, make sure your child is taken care of and settled in, but sometimes it is okay for them to not be held the entire time while they sleep. If you are finding yourself “scheduling” sex, stop it right now. Be a little more creative. Spontaneity keeps that flame burning. One thing I like to do is we shower together (when I haven’t fallen asleep first, depending on how tired mama is). Bedtime is a good time for making sexy time happen. If you share a room with baby, then go to another room. If you co-sleep, safely barricade your little bundle of joy and skip to another room. I do not believe people when they say they “don’t have time for sex” once they have had kids. There is time you just have to use your time wisely when you have a chance. Wake your butt up earlier or go to bed later.

Not trying to keep the romance alive or being romantic: Juggling work and kids, school and kids, hell just life in general and kids can put a damper on romance. Flirt like you did before you had kids, send sexy texts to each other, surprise him with some new fragrances or lingerie when it is time for bed. If you are struggling with body image issues after having a baby, one thing that helped me is looking in the mirror and saying positive affirmations. I tell myself I love my body even when I don’t always feel that way.

Making your life all about your kids: Yes they are your life but no yours doesn’t have to stop. Trust me they will be okay. Don’t neglect your spouse because you have kids. There are ways to balance out your time and love. Neglecting sex and intimacy can cause you to have issues with yourself. This is apart of self care believe it or not.

Hormones and other things you can’t really control: Some women libidos take a nose dive after they have kids. There are some ways to boost it naturally that I will share in another post. Hormones can impact several portions of being a female after you have a baby. That is what lube is for my friend. Don’t be afraid to bring it into the bedroom. It makes things more comfy for you and your partner.

Criticizing yourself and your body: It’s hard but try to avoid this. You may not be bikini ready by textbook and social media standards right away, but learn to love what you have. For me I am a little self conscious afterwards so I have the lights off completely or low until I feel comfy again.

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Things that prevent or limit doom in the bedroom after kids

Be realistic and have realistic expectations: Your schedule will likely change so the normal uninterrupted times you were used to doing it are gone. Your hour marathon now is a 10-15 minute race. If you aren’t eager to jump back into the game make it known and it usually helps to explain why. Sometimes people don’t really get how you feel in the postpartum stage and it’s not so much you are being stingy with love or purposely rejecting your spouse. Communication is important. Be patient when you are not up for sex. Offer simple gestures of affection instead. It’s all normal and totally okay. If it hurts say so and stop and resume when you are able to engage at a comfortable level.

Quickies: Quality not quantity here. quickies become your new best friend when it comes to sex after kids. Some people don’t like quickies and prefer marathon sex, but I suggest you get used to quickies and make them count. The good thing about quickies is that you both know what you need to do to arrive at the party. That way you ensure you both will get your fix. Also being pressed for time can make you both desire each other more. Save the marathon sexy time for when you are kid free. Also woman to woman, don’t feel pressured to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable sexually. Yes try new things, but within comfort.

TTC Round 2-infinity: After you successfully have one kid and learn all of the what to expect shxt, when you are ready for round 2, 3, 4, 5 etc you know what changes to expect and how getting pregnant works and will be a little more relaxed about things and just go with the flow and let it happen how it happens. If you have other plans, I suggest you make sure your birth control method is reliable. The lack of stress makes respawning easier and less blah. You can actually enjoy each other without worries.

The 6 week wait: If you wait the 6 weeks, you can build up to the big moment again. You can be super flirty and get creative and do other things that don’t involve actually having sexy time. You don’t always have to have sex to be intimate. Massages and just making out are always nice.

Be intimate emotionally first: Reconnect with your spouse. You spent all of this time talking about babies and kids everyday, now it’s time to stop. Find other topics to explore. Most females like to be emotionally stimulated before they are physically stimulated. Someone once put it like this: girls are like crock pots, we take a little longer to heat up; boys are like microwaves, all they need is a little heat and they are ready. Being emotionally unavailable tends to kill sex and intimacy. Talk to your partner about things that may be bothering you such as your appearance and frustrations of being a parent. Find a balance. Venting and then being reassured about doubts etc can make a world of a difference. For me I used to make comments about my body changes and he always tells me that I am beautiful and that I am doing a good job.

Share the responsibilities: When you have children, sharing responsibilities and helping each other when caring for them tends to lead to mutual happiness. It has been proven in a few studies that when parents share responsibilities of caring for a child they have better sex. When the care is one sided, the resentment will set in and who is turned on by that?

Being creative: Again, within comfort. Explore. Redefine what sex and intimacy is for you and your spouse. This can be sensually touching, kissing, or exploring a new hobby together. Try different positions. Sometimes postpartum sex isn’t ideal for certain positions so you may have to try a few different ones to be comfy. Who knows you may discover your new favorite position!

Prepare in advance: If you know you are going to make sexy time happen, try to limit interruptions. Again, use your time wisely. Put the kiddos in do not disturb mode by setting up a movie and snacks, be sure to lock your door or barricade them safely in another room with a baby gate if they are tots. If you are breastfeeding make sure the feeding is done prior to or you have pumped especially since leaks can happen and when the boobies are full they tend to be a little on the uncomfy side being touched.

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Just like parenting, sex and intimacy after kids is a learning experience. You thought you knew what you were doing before kids but then afterwards this is a game changer. Just know that it does get better with time. Start slow mama and ease back into things.

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