I am two months postpartum and it seems like the weight is slowly falling off; which is fine considering the fact I haven’t been exercising like I should be. I have my days of body shaming and my fair share of days where I am absolutely in love with my postpartum body. Kids are known for being brutally honest and sometimes the things they say can come across as them being little jerks. Sometimes kids say things that make you stop and think. Sometimes kids say things that make you get your shxt together.
I am a mama who loves to eat. I am an emotional eater as well.
One day, my oldest daughter expressed to my oldest son that she did not like the way I looked. He was offended by this and came to voice his concerns over what she said. I called my daughter into the living room to talk to her about what she said behind my back. I asked her calmly, “Do you not like the way I look?” Without hesitation and to much surprise she said, “Mommy you are fat”. It took me a while to process this and to try to determine which emotion to let shine bright like a diamond. I just thought to myself, damn….you must look that bad for a 5 year old to say something.
I thought about all the tacos, beer, wine, sweets you name it that I had been indulging in. I thought about all the days when I said I am going to work out and I didn’t. I thought a lot of things. I didn’t have anything to say back to my daughter, who stood there staring at me in a way that was so nonchalant it made me feel worse.
I know my kid wasn’t some asshxle who was just trying to be mean, but rather a curious and concerned innocent kid. I ended up texting my husband and he could tell I was upset. He ended up calling me and we had a conversation about it. I immediately went in on the topic with every emotion imaginable. He kept reminding me that I had just had a baby, I was beautiful, and it (the weight) will come off with time. I felt a little better after the conversation and further pondered the words you are fat.
That evening when I was relaxing in the shower, it hit me…My kid said this to me because I have said that about myself countless times in front of her. So obviously if I think this about myself, she felt it was okay to say the same things. She was just repeating what she had heard. I instantly felt like a even bigger pile of shxt and reality hit. I have a daughter who is literally watching everything that I do. I have to set a good example. I have three daughters. I do not want them growing up calling themselves fat or spewing any other forms of self hate or body shaming. I love myself and I need to stop saying things like that.
Sure people tell me I look great to have just had a baby and I honestly feel the same way. Sometimes when I am in my birthday suit I look in the mirror at my lingering kangaroo pouch, stretch marks, and touching thighs. I think about how this body has birthed five babies. It’s pretty amazing. I know it took me 9 months to gain weight and it will take me about the same amount of time to lose it in a healthy manner. However, every woman is human and has had a point in their life where they felt their body could be a little bit better. In today’s society, women have what is considered perfect shoved in their beautiful faces daily.
I may be a little overweight for now, and I am okay with that. I am however not okay with saying the things I have been saying about myself and I am not okay with hearing others talk the same way about themselves. One of the things on my list 2017: The last year of my 20s was to feel confident about my body after babies. I will no longer say those type of things about myself and when I hear another mama doing the same things, I will offer her a compliment and a little words of encouragement. I am on a mission and I temporarily got distracted. It may seem silly but I am very grateful my daughter told me I was fat because she caused me to sincerely and deeply self reflect and pushed me to do better and commit to self love.
Self love is not selfish. Our first and last love is self love.